2000 Range Rover for Sale:  $5458 as is, no warranty implied

Huge and gnarly SUV for sale, deep in the Maine woods.  This 2000 Range Rover 4.6 HSE is begging for a new home.  Only 95k miles on this behemoth.  What other car offers the confluence of these three features:  Legendary unreliability, extremely costly parts and repairs, and atrocious gas mileage.  Yes, with this humongous Land Rover product you get all that and more!

• Hopelessly complex but utterly useless electronic features include a wide variety of buzzers, alarms, laser-triggered motion sensitive security shutdowns, etc.  The super lockdown mode that goes on at random times in the dead of winter keeps owner safe from exiting the vehicle until the jaws of life can be summoned.
• Known for its colossal mass and inertia, the Rover trundles down the highway like a garbage scow, while lurching side to side with the nauseating vertiginous rhythms of a conestoga on the Chisholm Trail.  But the rich, supple leather seating soothes the buns.
• Enormous V-8 burns no oil, but requires a gasoline tanker in its convoy to resupply it on the road like a B-52 over Greenland.  The gas gauge is the fastest moving needle on the instrument cluster that looks like the navigation panel on Apollo 13.
• Every conceivable audio option known to humankind as of 2000, including a sub-woofer that is capable of blowing the front passenger upwards through the retractable moonroof as if Marty McFly just twanged a righteous chord.
• Loaded with every superficial wannabe macho option such as brush bars fore and aft, alloy wheels, tinted windows, memory seats, concealed cup-holders, white gold exterior, sumptuous leather interior, hill-holding super-low range tranny for trail crashing through the boondocks as if in hot pursuit of Daisy Duke, an escape hammer in case of the aforementioned lockdown mode, and way too much redundant power crap to list.

The Range Rover rides high and handsome on and off the road with a commanding view over lesser SUV’s

The Rover with its full-time 4WD showing off its tremendous hill-climbing abilities

This finest piece of British engineering since the Titanic and the freakish hat at Will and Kate’s wedding can be all yours for only $5458.  Get with it, Anglophiles, add some excitement and refined British elegance to your travels.  How boring it is to leave on a trip, actually get there, and then have to return home uneventfully.  Gag me with pink rollers, a Weight Watchers chicken pesto dinner and a TV Guide!  With the Range Rover you add an edge of spine-tingling adrenalin-pumping primal fear-inspiring terror to your life with the haunting feeling at all times that an error message will announce some imminent calamity with a cacophony of  beeps and whistles and flashing icons on the dash or claxon horns, or a 20 mph self-limiting speed governor, or just a total incineration of the car’s absurd wiring harness that makes a DNA molecule look like a game of Parcheesi and you are abandoned in a three-ton hefty hunk of steaming, smoldering, lifeless ferrous junk and arcing copper wiring that will never make it back from beyond Thunderdome.  The AAA guy will be clueless to help if the beast shuts down.  The nearest grease monkey with the requisite IQ to fathom this needlessly abstruse piece of technological overkill may be in Perth or Edinburgh.  Any otherwise routine trip will now hold the potential of becoming an adventure, an odyssey, a ride on some flatbed with a soundtrack right out of Deliverance...a voyage into the most forbidding recesses of the unknown for perhaps the last time in your lifetime.

Your jealous neighbors, watching you return yet again with your Rover being towed or trailered back home, will wonder what posh locations you were attempting to reach when the oxygen sensors blew or the plastic tie rod collapsed and left you careening to the edge of a precipice, looking oh so stylish while the blood drained from your face and the coolant drained from the $1700 radiator.

For even more stories about the pride of owning a Range Rover and the mechanics you will get to know as your saviors, please contact Roy at 207-293-2451.  But don’t delay!  This car won’t last long.